


It Was Always You

by marymaryyouresocontrary



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Romance, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, but we'll start there, probably more for what I have planned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-26
Updated: 2014-12-21
Packaged: 2018-02-22 16:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2514821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marymaryyouresocontrary/pseuds/marymaryyouresocontrary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin Emrys, guitarist of the popular band Avalon, has just recently been dumped.  Sort of.  Between tours his band mate, Arthur Pendragon, helps him to cope with his feelings over his heart break and soon things start to develop between them.  But can it really be as simple as falling in love with him?  No, Merlin will learn, it is not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, this is my first fanfiction and first time posting on this website. Please be gentle. I'll be releasing chapter by chapter. (I wanted feedback before I went any further). Hope you enjoy! :)

    Guitarist of world renown band, “Avalon,” appears heartbroken walking from the recording studio! the headline read.  
    Merlin Emrys sighed.  In a way, he supposed, he was heartbroken, although it wasn’t as bad as the media was making it out to be.  He thought that he was going to be starting a relationship with the famous movie star, Mordred Druin and had even went on a few dates with him when suddenly Mordred stopped calling, even stood him up a few times.  So Merlin gave up.  
    Merlin placed the magazine down on his kitchen bench.  He leaned his elbows on to it and put his head in his hands.  “All press is good press” was the expression he and his fellow band mates had heard when they were still trying to make it big.  Somehow, Merlin thought, that this was not good press.  
    He sighed one last time and ruffled his hair.  Lancelot and Gwaine would be expecting to hear from him; even though they were band mates and knew what had transpired, thanks to the tabloids, he wanted them to hear it from him.  That is, if Arthur hadn’t already told them.  
    He felt a familiar buzzing in his pocket.  A text.  “One new message,” the screen beamed.  He felt an overwhelming feeling of relief wash over him as he realized it was Arthur.  
  
 **Arthur (10:15PM): Just saw the magazine… r u okay?**  
  
    Merlin sighed.  Arthur was always checking in on him.  He appreciated all of the support that he offered him, especially when his father had died several months go.  Merlin had found himself partying a lot.  Partying too hard, in fact.  At one point, Arthur had had to drag him out of an after party… Merlin had taken drugs.  He didn’t actually remember what, just that it sounded fun and the bloke had said it was an “upper.”  
    It was certainly an upper.  He had ended up dancing on tables and had fallen off, with a loud crack.  Once Arthur had dragged him to the emergency room, it was discovered that Merlin had not only taken something in such a quantity that could have killed him, but he had also broken his rib - something which had just stopped hurting.  
      
  
 **Merlin (10:18PM): I’ll live.  I always do.**  
  
    At this very moment, Merlin was quite thankful to have a month break between the final recording session and the kick-off of their next tour.  He was feeling pretty torn up about Mordred’s rejection and needed time to think things through.  
    Just then, another buzz.    
    I know you care, Arthur but…  
  
 **Mordred (10:23PM): ur just not my type, merls. No need 2 go around & dragging my name in the dirt**  
  
    How dare he!  Merlin hadn’t said a thing, he was just looking understandably sad.  He wasn’t quite as sad anymore but there was a certain newfound anger.  In the end, Merlin decided not to say anything back.  He was not giving Mordred the satisfaction.  
    A yawn escaped Merlin’s mouth.  It was at that moment he saw how late it was, (considering he had just been in a considerably “later” time zone for awhile on tour), and decided that his boy troubles could wait.  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    Merlin groggily opened his eyes and glanced at his alarm clock. 11:28AM.  After a groan and some considerable stressing, Merlin got out of bed.  He reached for his phone and had one missed call.  Arthur.  A smile found its way to his lips.  
    Not bothering to listen to the voicemail, Merlin called him back.  Two rings and he was connected.  
    “Merlin!  I tried to reach you earlier.”  Arthur sounded both relieved and tired.  
    “Yeah… I was still sleeping… Sorry,” Merlin said quietly.  
    “Geeze, Merlin… I… I should have realized.  You had a rough day and we’ve just gotten back… Sometimes I forget that not everyone copes with jet lag as well as I do.”  
    Merlin smiled gently.  “Don’t worry.  What is it that you wanted to talk about?”  
    “I was… wondering if you wanted to spend some time with me?  You know, take your mind off of all of these tabloids?”  
    His smile widened.  Arthur always came through for him.  
    “Of course!” Merlin agreed enthusiastically.  
    “I’ll see you in ten!”  
    Merlin was certainly feeling a bit better.  Arthur was really in tune to what he needed, he mused.  
    Merlin quickly glanced around and found some suitable clothes, pulling them on as he left his room.  Just as he reached the door to his house, he heard the familiar honk of Arthur’s “incognito car” which was really just a fancy way of saying an older BMW.  
    Quickly shutting the door, he joined Arthur in his car.  
    “So, where are we going?” he asked as he fastened his seat belt.  
    “I figured we’d go to the nearby village and have a quiet cup of coffee.  Then… perhaps we could go to the party that Lancelot’s throwing.  I know you’re invited but Lancelot wanted to leave you be… He asked that I invited you.  He was just concerned he’d make things worse.”  
    “Sure, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”  
    Arthur groaned.  “Don’t be an idiot and say things like that.”  
    “No need to be such a prat, either.”  Merlin couldn’t help it, he was smiling.  He knew that Arthur was never especially malicious, just trying to lighten the mood.  And today it worked.  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    Merlin and Arthur walked into the near empty coffee shop.  After ordering their respective coffees, both took a seat.  The shop was pleasant, with all sorts of coffee memorabilia hanging on the wall and the scent of scones in the air.  The music was low, instrumental and added to the general ambiance.  
    “This is a nice place,” Merlin mused.  “How did you find it?”  
    “I come here from time to time when I need to think,” he replied simply.  
    The barista walked up to their table and placed their coffees in front of them.  Both of them expressed their thanks, yet the barista did not move.  Arthur cocked an eyebrow, questioningly.  “Is there something we could help you with?” Arthur asked, with a slightly annoyed tone.  
    “It’s just um…” The girl was blushing.  And apparently nervous as she began fidgeting with her hands.  “You’re in Avalon, aren’t you?”  
    Merlin smiled uneasily.  He was happy to have fans and all, but sometimes he wished that they had just stayed a nobody kind of band, practicing in Lancelot’s garage.  It would certainly make his personal life far more personal, and he’d be able to do simple tasks such as purchase groceries without being stopped or worse, bombarded with paparazzi.  
    Arthur on the other handed, grinned smugly.  “We are.”  
    Merlin rolled his eyes.  What a cocky prat.  Arthur knew he was attractive, and worse, he knew it.  He also knew the effect he had on women (and men for that matter).  
    The woman blushed a deep red and asked for their autographs.  Both men obliged gladly, and were even happier when she left them alone.  
    “It’s not fair.  Poor girl never stood a chance.”  
    Arthur, still grinning smugly, asked, “But Merlin, whatever do you mean?”  
    “What do you mean, “what do you mean?”  You know you’re attractive, it doesn’t escape anyone’s notice.  The poor girl was so terribly flustered!”  
    “In case you hadn’t noticed - she was looking at you.”  
    That wasn’t something Merlin heard often.  He scoffed.  “I doubt it.  She was more interested in your signature.”  
    “Yeah, so she could stare at you.”  
    Merlin sighed.  “If only I liked girls.”  With that, Arthur laughed.  
    “’It’s not fair.  Poor girl never stood a chance!’”  
    Merlin grinned, Arthur had him there.  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    The air was crisp as Merlin walked to Lancelot’s.  The sun had just set and the remaining color of the sunset was fading, barely leaving enough day light to find his way.  He often enjoyed walking places, although due to his fame, he seldom got to without being bothered.  
    Merlin was getting close to Lancelot’s and knew it; he knew it not only because he had walked this same path many times before, but because he could hear the unmistakable sound of music and see the entire house lit up.  Merlin’s stomach churned.  This was going to be a bigger party than he thought initially and was suddenly feeling as if he should have turned this invitation down.  _As long as there aren’t any paparazzi…_  
    But there were.  He could see at least a dozen cars parked along the way with various magazine, newspaper, and even news station logos as he approached Lancelot’s.  Why had no one warned him, especially if Lancelot had thought the party itself was too delicate a subject to approach so soon after an apparent heartbreak?  
    Merlin saw the bright flash out of the corner of his eye.  _And so it begins…_ he thought dully.  He was already regretting coming.  It was too early, he didn’t want to be in the public eye.  
    Merlin felt himself starting to suffocate as the paparazzi started to crowd him.  _Not here, not here…_ he frantically thought, scanning the oncoming crowd, trying to find a way around.  It didn’t take long to realize that he’d have to walk straight through them in order to actually attend the party.  He breathed in deeply then held his head up.  He would get through this.  
    “Merlin, is it true you were dumped by Mordred?”  
    “Merlin, how are you coping with being dumped?”  
    “Merlin… Merlin… Merlin…”  
    “I’m coping just fine seeing as we were never formally dating,” he answered curtly then pushed past.  He could hear the snapping of cameras behind him and even felt a little rude pushing his way in, but he believed that if they were going to be rude enough to bombard him, he could afford to be rude enough to avoid them.  
    “Hey, you made it!”  
    He looked up then smiled.  “I told you I was going to come, Arthur.”  
    Arthur cracked a smile.  He was dressed in a thin red sweater and jeans.  It suddenly struck Merlin just how attractive his best friend actually was.  Then again, he had just said earlier that day he was attractive… No.  He couldn’t be thinking like this, he was supposed to be heart broken.  Right?  
    Arthur grabbed his arm and pulled him over to Gwaine and Lancelot.  “I told you he’d make it.”  
    Lancelot smiled slightly and rather sheepishly.  He leaned in close to Merlin’s ear and whispered, “I’m sorry, I wanted to invite you, but… Mordred…”  
    Merlin pulled away gently, half-grinning. “Don’t worry, Lance.  I’m fine.  Honestly.  It’s his loss.”  And he believed it.  Merlin may have been self-conscious in the past, but was gaining more self-esteem as Avalon continued to do well.  
    Gwaine pat his back.  “Good on ya, mate.  You wait for your prince charming!”  
    A genuine smile spread on Merlin’s face.  “Yes, I think I will.  It’s going to just have to be a case of waiting… Because I’m obviously not so good at picking, it would seem.”  He absent-mindedly rubbed his hand on the back of his neck, a slight red spreading over his face.  
    Well, it was true after all.  Merlin had a tendency to pick wrongly when it came to men.  He’d either get led on, like with Mordred, or he’d try to get too serious too soon.  He supposed that was due to his want, no his _need_ , for some sort of stability.  He had spent a lot of time when he was a teenager moving around.  Hunith, his mother, had had to pack up and move him several times - mostly due to bullying about his sexuality - and had sacrificed a lot on his account.    
    When he got into a relationship, he didn’t see it as a temporary thing; to Merlin, it was permanent in his mind.  He craved stability, he craved love.  His parents had split when he was quite young and was passed between the two, (that was, until he started moving around with his mother), and saw what it had done to them.  No, that wouldn’t be him.  He would be with his partner.  Forever.  
    “Hey, Merlin?  Earth to Merlin!” Gwaine pulled Merlin back from his thoughts as he had a drink thrust into his hand.  “To finding your prince charming!”  
    Merlin giggled and joined in on drinking to “finding his prince charming.”    
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    Over the next few hours, Merlin found himself drinking a great deal.  In fact, he really couldn’t say how much he had had between him fetching his own drinks and others offering theirs.  All he knew was that he was thoroughly inebriated and should probably call it a night.  
    He stumbled over towards his band mates, escaping several women, and even a few men, who were trying to convince him to give them his autograph.  To his dismay, he found that his normal signature came out as a scribble.  Yep, there was just about two of everything and he felt that the world was spinning: time to go.  
    Immediately Gwaine looked up, alert, obviously concerned.  Arthur also looked up, worry crossing his face.  Arthur made a move to grab Merlin but stumbled, nearly falling down.  “You’re in no shape to take care of him, Arthur,” Gwaine said sternly as he slung an arm under Merlin’s shoulder, holding him up.  
    “But… He’s my responsibility… I…” Arthur looked down.  “I didn’t and he got hurt last time.”  
    “I’m fine, Arthur,” Merlin slurred.  “But… not as _fine_ as you.”  He burst into giggles, flushed with both the alcohol and his amusement at his own pick up line.    
     _Shit, did I just hit on Arthur?_  
    Shock painted Arthur’s face as his eyebrows moved up.  “Well, Merlin…”  
    Gwaine guffawed.  “That settles it, you’re going home.  Hitting on Arthur… You really are smashed.”  He turned to Arthur.  “Don’t worry about him, I’ll get him home.  You might want to try to sober up soon.  I think Lancelot’s itching to have an after party with his girlfriend.” He over exaggerated a wink as he supported Merlin out of the house.  
    They left Arthur standing there, looking quite sad to see them go.  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it took so long for this update! I moved out of where I was staying and the new place FINALLY has internet!! Please forgive me, I'll update more often :)

Merlin awoke with a throbbing headache.  He let out a groan and sat up in bed, carefully holding his head in hands, trying to work out why it hurt so much.  
     _Oh, right.  The party._  
    The party!  Merlin didn’t remember much about the party, save his exit when he hit on Arthur.  His stomach churned and his ears went red.  Surely there’d be repercussions from this?  
    He sat up, grew nauseous, then put his head in his hands.  He could feel his head throbbing to the sound of his pulse.  Merlin struggled to remember just how much he had drank the night before.  He remembered the first three shots, but beyond that, it got fuzzy.  All he knew was that he had felt carefree.  
    What Merlin _was_ sure of, however, was that he hadn’t drank that much since he was still coping, (poorly), from his father dying.  That wound was just starting to scab, and some days he still felt it trying to bleed out again.  The sadness would come and go in waves; sometimes he drowned as the waves crashed over him and sometimes he rode them out.  Arthur had been the one to throw him a rope and pull him out.  Merlin was sure that without Arthur he would have gotten himself killed with his behavior, had it been allowed to continue and was eternally grateful that Arthur had been there.  
    Once the nausea subsided, he pushed the blankets back and swung his legs over the edge.  He was wearing the clothes from last night he noted, although his shoes had been taken off for him.  He managed a small smile despite the pain in his head.  
    Merlin took some medication for his headache and ate a small breakfast.  While he finished his toast, he scanned the web for any activity from the party last night.  It didn’t take too long to find himself in the public eye once again.  
     _Merlin Emrys Bitter About Breakup with Mordred Druin!_  
    He rolled his eyes.  He definitely remembered that he had said that they weren’t dating in the first place.  And maybe that’s what the article would have been about, if he would have read it.  
    Sighing, he tucked his phone in his pants pocket, waiting for the media to have had their fill with his apparent “breakup.”  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    A week into Avalon’s break, and the media had finally let up.  This was mostly due to Merlin staying inside his house all day for the past week, despite somewhat desperate attempts from his friends to go out.    
    All in all, Merlin was over Mordred and starting to feel like his old self again.  He had just needed a bit of time to himself, really.  Well, okay, maybe Arthur had been keeping him company via text all week and that had certainly helped.  It had also put Merlin’s mind at ease when Arthur had laughed off Merlin hitting on him, stating he was very obviously “sloshed.”  Merlin was certainly grateful _that_ had been put behind them.  
    His seemingly off handed comment did have him wondering, though.  Merlin was very sure that he was attracted to Arthur, even though he was his best friend and admittedly, he sometimes felt really guilty about it.  However, he had tried to keep that to himself as he didn’t want to make Arthur feel uncomfortable.  He knew Arthur was okay with Merlin liking guys, but Arthur had really never made mention of his preference.    
    Merlin had watched Arthur date a few girls in the past year or so, but never seriously.  The media had speculated that Arthur was a “lady’s man” and “not ready to settle down” but of course those accusations had died down in time, as did everything.  Somewhere deep inside, Merlin had hoped that he was bisexual.  Then it was because he wanted someone to be able to relate to him.  Now…  
    No, he couldn’t keep thinking about Arthur this way.  There was no indication that Arthur was interested in men and besides, what would the band think?  He could already hear Gaius’s voice in his head telling him that it would end in tears.  Not only for him, but for Avalon.  
    Merlin shook his head.  _I need to stop being so selfish…_  
    His phone started to go off, playing Renegade by Styx: Gwaine’s ring tone.  He, of course, picked up.  
    “Hey Gwaine,” he greeted warmly.  
    “Hey, Merlin!  We haven’t seen much of you for the past week.”  A pause.  “Which is understandable with everything you were going through and all, but the rest of the band and I were wondering if you wanted to join us for dinner?  It’s this new restaurant not too far away and I hear they’ve got excellent sushi.”  
    Merlin grinned.  “Wouldn’t miss excellent sushi for the world!”  
    “Great, we’ll swing by to pick you up at about 6 o’clock.”  
    “Only an hour’s notice, Gwaine?  You wound me!”  
    Gwaine snorted.  “It’s nothing fancy, I’m sure you’ll be able to find something to wear.  Or you know, you could show up naked, _really_ show them you’re ready to put yourself out there again.”  
    “I don’t think you’d be too happy if I actually showed up naked, Gwaine.  But I’ll take it into consideration,” he teased.  
    “Then you’re already ready, no need to worry about it.  See you soon.”  
    Merlin put down his phone and casually strolled up to his wardrobe.  “Now.  What am I going to wear?”  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    Merlin had settled for wearing his usual black skinny jeans and a band t-shirt.  He didn’t feel like dressing up particularly and after all, Gwaine said it was casual.  He heard a car’s horn and quickly ruffled his hair.  It was just going to have to do.  
    “So, not naked, then?” Gwaine asked as Merlin hopped in.  
    Merlin winked slyly at him.  “The night is young.”  
    “Merlin!” Lancelot gasped.  
    “Hey, just because you’re getting it on the regular…” Gwaine started.  
    “Don’t bring Gwen into this!” Lancelot was turning rather red at this point.  
    Merlin and Gwaine laughed.  
    “Now, now,” Arthur said from the back seat.  
    “Aw, you’re no fun!”  
    “Gwaine, I’m plenty of fun, just not with you.”  
    Gwaine mockingly sighed at him.  “Only in my dreams, I guess.”  
      
...0...0...0...

  
    They arrived at the restaurant without much of a fuss and were seated promptly.  Merlin felt this was probably due to the hostess gawking at Lancelot, but his stomach grumbled an approval as they sat.  
    Gwaine and Lancelot sat next to each other as Arthur and Merlin took their seats, opposite them.  
    “So…” Arthur began.  “Gwen’s alright with a boy’s night?”  
    Lancelot’s crossed his arms.  “Well, she’s happy that I have friends, but would rather I spent the break with just her as we all pretty much live together on tour.”  
    “Gah, I just want food!” wailed Merlin.  His stomach growled on cue and the table laughed.  
    “Glad to see you’re back to normal, Merlin,” Gwaine laughed.  
    “But I’m so delectably handsome when I’m broody.” Merlin pouted.  
    “I personally think you look better happy, myself,” Arthur added.    
    Merlin wasn’t able to read his face, but felt hopeful all the same.  “Well, I suppose you would know better than me.”  
    Gwaine nodded in agreement.  “I don’t think dark and broody really suits you, mate.”  
    “Well, hopefully I won’t have any reason to be.”  
    The waiter walked up to took their drink order, quickly getting the drinks and scurried off with their food order.  
    Merlin sighed contentedly.  He was certainly ready to eat, having skipped lunch.  Skipping meals was a bad habit that he had, mostly due to inattention to time, but sometimes he simply didn’t _grow_ hungry: it would hit him suddenly.  This led to Merlin surviving mostly off of quick to eat items, and low preparation items such as toast or take-away.  He was glad to have a reason to wait, but he was _hungry_.  
    Mercifully, their dinner arrived quickly and was consumed by all men fairly quickly.  That is, except for Merlin.  He nearly inhaled it, asking to see a dessert menu as everyone else was only half way through their meal.  
    “Merlin, where do you keep it all?” Lancelot asked, bewildered as he watched Merlin dig into a massive slice of chocolate cake.  
    Merlin shrugged in response, and made quick work of his dessert.  
    Unsurprisingly, everyone else passed on dessert and it was agreed that they’d try to do this once more before tour started back up.  
    They filed out of the restaurant and there was the ever familiar flash.  Somehow the paparazzi had found them.  Again.  
    Merlin’s breath hitched as someone knocked into him in their haste to interview Avalon.  
    Merlin began to panic.  His body froze and it felt as if someone was sitting on his chest.  _Oh please no_ , he begged his body.  He felt tears well up behind his eyes, and his chest tighten.  
    Merlin grabbed the nearest arm: Arthur’s.  He turned his gaze up toward Arthur, realizing he was doubling over.  “Arthur…” he said, sounding very small.  
    Arthur, of course, knew about Merlin’s anxiety.  Merlin had made it very clear that he would rather be in the background during interviews or publicity.  Although he was getting better about being in crowds, he could not stand being touched by strangers.  
    Merlin was about to start hyperventilating, he could tell in the way his breathing was becoming more jagged.  Arthur nodded slightly to him and wrapped an arm around him.  “Just focus on me,” Arthur murmured.  
    More flashes blinded them.  
    “Arthur, are you and Merlin dating?”  
    “Lancelot, how do you feel about their relationship?”  
    “Gwaine, is it awkward watching them?”  
    “So soon after Mordred, Merlin?”  
    Arthur had quickly shuffled Merlin into the car, just as he started hyperventilating.  Merlin felt like he was dying.  He knew from experience that he was in fact, not dying, at least not in that very moment, but could not stop.  The tears started not too long after, and he found he couldn’t get those to stop, either.  
    “Drive!” Arthur commanded and Lancelot obliged.  
    “Merlin,” Arthur said more quietly.  Merlin felt Arthur grasp his hand and squeeze it lightly.  “You’re going to be alright.  Breathe.  I know the world feels like it’s caving in right now, but you will be okay.”  
    The car stopped outside of Merlin’s house.  Merlin’s breathing had returned to normal and the tears had stopped.  His shaking, however, had not.  
    Before Merlin knew it, Arthur whisked him out of the car and had lead him inside his house.  Arthur sat him down on his bed.  Merlin hunched over and clasped his arms around himself, trying to steady the shaking.  He rocked slightly back and forth.  
    Merlin felt ashamed.  He wanted to be able to cope with his anxiety, and had worked on it for quite awhile in therapy.  Despite knowing that he was getting better, at the moment all he could feel was failure; he couldn’t handle it tonight and now rumors surrounding him and Arthur were going to be the top stories tomorrow.  
    He felt like a bad friend doing that to Arthur.  In his moment of weakness, he had needed some physical reassurance, some physical grounding and had reached out to him.  It was his fault that this had happened, and he meant to make amends for it but right now all he wanted to do was stop shaking.  
    “Merlin.”  It was barely a whisper.  
    Merlin opened his eyes.  Arthur had crouched down and at some point, had also grabbed one of his hands.  “Are you alright?”  
    Merlin thought for a moment and then nodded. “I’m going to be okay… You… You know how these things take it out of me.”  His voice came out hoarse, barely above a whisper.  
    Arthur smiled and Merlin felt his lips try to curl up and match it.  Arthur released his hand and stood.  “Then I’ll let you get some sleep.  I’ll check up on you tomorrow.”  
    Merlin actually did smile this time.  “Thanks, Arthur.”  
    “I’ll turn the light off on my way out.”  
    Arthur waited until Merlin had snuggled under his covers before shutting the light off and leaving.  
    Merlin was exhausted.  He knew that he was going to succumb to sleep soon, but wanted to hold on to the thought of Arthur holding his hand.  
    With a content sigh, Merlin drifted off into sleep.  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    It wasn’t until the next afternoon that Merlin saw it.  He sat transfixed in front of his laptop’s screen; as predicted, he and Arthur were everywhere.    
    He saw his crumpled figure being led to the car, but Arthur was the main focus.  He laughed at the caption: “Merlin’s Knight in Shining Armor!”  He supposed Arthur had been his knight in shining armor last night.  Arthur had been there for him and… Oh.  
    Last night Arthur had held Merlin’s hand.  Merlin wondered if it hadn’t just been because he was upset that he had reached out to him.  Merlin wasn’t imagining things; he and Arthur had grown especially close in the past few weeks on the back of a very public rejection.  Merlin held out hope that the brief touch had meant more than just calming him down.  It wasn’t very much, but it was there all the same and shined brightly on his face.  
    Merlin clicked on the next article and was surprised to see Mordred’s face.  _Is Mordred Upset Over Merlin’s New Boyfriend?_ Beneath the article’s lettering there was a picture of Mordred; he was tight lipped and glaring.  He certainly looked upset, although Merlin doubted it was about the rumors.  He felt his stomach churn.  
    Although Merlin had been rejected by Mordred, and what had felt rather suddenly, Merlin didn’t actually wish anything bad to happen to him.  He still wished Mordred the best and was very sorry to see him get unwanted attention on his own behalf.  Merlin considered contacting the media to tell them to knock it off, but thought better of it; they’d just run with speculations about Merlin having feelings for Mordred still.  
     _Oh shit!_ Merlin suddenly thought about Arthur and how he was coping about all of the rumors about them being a couple.  The last thing Merlin wanted to do was to put Arthur off or feel awkward… After all, he was being accused of being in a relationship not only _just_ Merlin, but a man.  Arthur’s sexuality had been questioned by the media before, sure, who’s hadn’t, but Arthur had just smiled politely and said that there was no shame in being attracted to men as a man, as there was no shame in being attracted to women as a woman.  Compelling, but at the time Merlin had just thought he was being considerate of his feelings since Merlin had always been open about it.  
    Merlin rubbed his temples lightly.  “What a mess.”  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    “Merlin, really.  It’s alright, you can stop asking,” Arthur reassured Merlin.  
    There was no color in Merlin’s face; in fact, we looked a little woozy.  He managed a small smile.  
    “I just… worry.”  
    Arthur smiled.  “I know you do.  I honestly don’t care about the rumors or the questions regarding my sexuality.  I’m just glad I was there to shield you from most of it…”  
    Merlin let out a giggle.  “They’re right - you _are_ my knight in shining armor.”  
    “Or you know.  In jeans and a t-shirt.”  He waved his hand dismissively.  “For as much as we’ve talked about how I’m coping with all of these rumors, we haven’t actually discussed how you are… Are you going to be able to handle all of these rumors?”  
    Merlin thought for a moment and then shrugged.  “I think I prefer them to being heart broken.  At least there’s a positive spin on these.”  
    “You two would make a cute couple,” a voice said.  The woman it belonged to entered the room.  
    Arthur frowned.  “Morgana, this was a private conversation.”  
    Her face lit up.  “Well it isn’t now. Besides…” She hopped over the arm of the couch Merlin was sitting on and leaned into him, throwing an arm around him.  “Don’t you think you two would be just adorable?”  
    Merlin fidgeted nervously.  Of course he thought that they would.  Then again, Merlin had been thinking an awful lot about Arthur lately… His eyes… His lips… Him.  Merlin could admit that he had feelings for his best friend, but didn’t want to make things… awkward.  He couldn’t do it to him, himself, or the band.  There were just too many ways that things could go wrong.  
    Then there was Arthur to consider.  No one, save for Arthur, actually knew if he fancied men as well, although of course there was a lot of speculation.  Even if Arthur did fancy men, what did he have to offer him?  Merlin had decided he wasn’t that much of a catch long ago.  
    Merlin had spent countless hours in front of the mirror, not liking what he saw.  For all of his put-on narcissism, he had a lot of self-esteem issues.  He hated his ears.  He hated how his hair never sat right.  He hated how gangly his limbs looked.  He hated how he looked as if he hadn’t grown into his body still despite being twenty-three.  And that was just about his appearance.  
    His crippling anxiety, although getting better, was still a problem.  He couldn’t handle being in a crowd for very long without panicking, avoided areas he couldn’t see an escape path out of, and stayed quiet mostly.  He fidgeted when he was nervous, sometimes sang random words in a sentence, (often off-key), and often misplaced things.  He knew that he was considered weird - school had taught him that, and it was one of the few things that had stuck with him.  He didn’t blame anyone who didn’t want to get romantically involved with him.  Not in the slightest.  
    Merlin looked down at his hands and tapped the tips of his fingers together.  “That’s sweet of you to say so, Morgana.”  
    “No, really.  You would!  Arthur, you’re missing out on a great opportunity.  Look at how cute he is.” As if demonstrating, Morgana kissed Merlin’s cheek.  
    “Morgana… He’s already dealing with the rumors…”  
    “She’s just messing with you, Merlin.  Don’t you know it’s not nice to tease him?”  Arthur’s words sounded forced, but Merlin didn’t seem to notice.  
    Merlin’s heart sank.  Yes, of course.  Don’t tease Merlin, he might break down again.  
    He excused himself from Arthur’s home as Morgana had came over to visit, and decided that yes, he might just break down again.  But at least he’d be in his own home this time.  
  
…0...0...0...  
  
    Merlin still held on to hope, despite what Arthur had said.  Maybe, at some point, they could talk a little more about their feelings for one another - if Merlin’s just imagining that there’s something more.  Merlin could shake that off - maybe he was just keeping up appearances since he was in front of Morgana.  Yes, that’s it, Merlin decided.  In that moment, Merlin also decides that it’s best to talk to him about it rather than keeping it all in.  
    Merlin knew that he wasn’t imagining the subtle touches or the stolen glances.  He may be wishful at times, but he was no fool.  Surely it had to mean something?  Even if it didn’t - he needed to know.  He would have this talk with him the next time he saw him: at the start of tour party.  
  



	3. Chapter 3

   Merlin had done some of the hard part: he had decided when he would talk to Arthur about what was going on between them, but what was even harder was waiting. There was still another week and a half until then! What was he supposed to do in the mean time?  
   As if on cue, his phone sang out to the tune of Lady in Red - Morgana’s ring tone. At the time, he had thought it kind of funny since everyone stares in awe at Morgana’s beauty, but as he thought about it more, he found it suited her and kept it, despite it being more of an intimate song.  
   He nervously tapped his fingers across the bench top, next to his phone. Although they were friends, it always seemed that if Morgana called, he was going to be some fifth wheel along to some event or another - or worse, she’d be taking him with her in hopes of setting him up with one of friends. But he did need something to do…  
   “Hey Morgana,” he forced out, fairly cautiously.  
   “Merlin!” He could feel her grin from the other side of the phone and felt his face turn into a grimace.  
   “What’s up?” He tried his best to sound casual.  
   “I actually wanted to talk to you about… feelings.”  
   Feelings? Oh God, he’d been found out!  
   “Um… Sure…”  
   “So, Gwaine… I find myself being annoyed by him in earnest less and less. That’s surely a good sign?”  
   Merlin let out a sigh of relief. This wasn’t about him, it was about her. He felt good that she was comfortable enough to confide in him, although he already knew she had gotten Gwen’s advice and just wanted a second opinion.  
   “Morgana, I think you two would make a good couple.” He paused. “You know, if you could overlook his constant sass, and if he can overlook your assertiveness.” Another pause. “Okay, maybe a little aggressive at times. But I think he likes that you’re a strong woman and doesn’t just go along with everything he says and that you put him in his place.”  
   “Thank you, Merlin! I thought… Yes, I will talk to him at that party that’s coming up. The tour party?” She sounded enthusiastic. Then again, when anything got in her head, she tended to.  
   “Yes,” he agreed, “the tour party.” So he wasn’t the only one who was going to be talking to someone… special to him about their feelings during the party. He wasn’t sure if he felt relieved that he wasn’t the only one, or if he was horrified that he wasn’t the only one. He was conflicted between feeling normal and feeling unoriginal.  
   “On another note, do you want to come over for dinner? I’m just inviting a few more people…”  
   “A few?” He sounded doubtful.  
   “Okay, so it’s more like a dinner party rather than a small get together, but it will be fun! What else could you possibly have to do? Anyway, you need to get out more, Merlin. I never see you out and about.”  
   Merlin had never told her about his social anxiety and at this point, he really didn’t need to - the media had done that for him.  
   He sighed. “Okay, fine, fine, I’ll go. When should I be there?”  
   “Tonight, actually! At about… 7PM? We’re already working on all of the food!”  
   Already? It’s only 10AM!  
   “Okay, I’ll be there. But don’t expect me to be all fancy and dressed up…”  
   “Come naked for all I care, just be there!”  
   Before Merlin could reply, the line was dead. He groaned. Merlin loved Morgana as a sibling and all, but sometimes she was just a little too demanding for his tastes. He knew she sometimes pushed, okay shoved, him in the right direction because she cared, but a little finesse could go a long way.  
   With a slight yawn, Merlin got off of his couch and fired up his Xbox. Well, there were certainly worse ways to pass the time.  
  
...0...0...0...

  
   It wasn't until Merlin's stomach growled that he noticed the time. He turned to look out his lounge room window and noticed that the sun was down, prompting him to quickly check his phone and read the time at 6:30PM.  
   Flustered and a little panicked, he scrambled up and to his room. “What am I going to wear?!” After searching through his clothes in record speed, he found his one three-piece suit. He snickered as he went through the motions and put it on.  
 _I told her I wasn't going to dress up, imagine the look on their faces when I'm overdressed for once!_  
   Merlin had a bad habit of attending events, important or otherwise, disgracefully under-dressed or worse, inappropriately dressed. It wasn't because he was disrespectful, he just didn't realize what times called for what attire. Sometimes his fellow band mates would steer him in the right direction if it were really important, but most of the time he was content to wear his ordinary clothes.  
   After tying his tie, Merlin walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. He frowned. “Damn this tie.” Displeased with his tie being off center, he spent the next ten minutes working on that alone until it met his expectations.  
   Looking once more to his phone, he raced over to Morgana's – it was best to not be late.

...0...0...0...

  
   “Merlin, you're late--” Morgana began and then her breath hitched. “Wow, you look great. Who cares that you're late, you actually put some effort in for tonight.” She grinned. “I'm glad you did, too – everyone used this as an excuse to dress up.”  
  “You look good, too, Morgana,” he replied as he noted her long purple dress. It reminded him of something a queen might wear in the medieval times, hugging her appropriately at the waist, and flowing towards the floor, and since it was Morgana, there was a generous amount of cleavage.  
Morgana took his hand and led him inside where the party had already started. Merlin had, indeed, arrived after everyone else, but he was only fifteen minutes late which was practically on time in Merlin's mind. Or at least what most people would consider “fashionably late.”  
   “Hey, Merlin --” Arthur began. He paused and blinked several times in quick succession at Merlin. “Woah, you dressed up.” Arthur then grinned. “We always knew you could clean up well.”  
   Gwaine clasped a hand on Arthur's shoulder. “Mate, you _do_ clean up well, don't listen to Princess.”  
   Merlin blushed slightly. “Thanks, guys.”  
   He noted Arthur had dressed up as well, but not to the same extent as what he had. He was wearing black dress pants with a crimson red shirt, accentuated by a plain black tie. His shirt was well fitted Merlin noticed with delight and found it hard not to stare at his figure. He was starting to get concerned he may not be able to wait until the final party before the next tour began.  
   Lancelot walked up behind Arthur and Gwaine then cleared his throat. “Gaius just called. They've decided on a name for the tour.”  
One of Arthur's eyebrows went up. “Oh?”  
   “'Sword in the Stone' apparently. Gaius thought that since Merlin and Arthur have well, Arthurian names that it would go well. Head of press agreed. I think it's... a little funny.”  
   Merlin laughed. “But you're Lancelot, it's surely not just about us.”  
  “Technically my name is just Lance, you two --” he pointed at Merlin and Arthur, “decided that it would be funny.”

   “Nah, not funny, you're just such a top bloke!” Arthur interjected. “Although it is pretty funny that most of the media think your name really is Lancelot.”

   Not having noticed Morgana's absence, he was startled when she thrust a drink into his hand and with some help from Gwen, her best friend, supplied the rest of the boys a drink as well.    Merlin sniffed the drink cautiously. Morgana had been known to mix devil tequila in with his drinks because he was apparently more funny than when he drank anything else. The only problem was that he always awoke with a massive hang over the next day.  
   “Not tequila, I trust?” He eyed Morgana carefully.  
   “Of course not.” Morgana grinned at him devilishly and disappeared into the rest of the party.  
   “Drinks are great but I wanted food!” Lancelot pouted then paused, staring at something behind Merlin.  
   Confused, Merlin turned around to see Gwen. Oh right, of course. It warmed his heart to see two people so in love but at the same time it made his heart drop. He had never had that kind of adoration and it was something that he craved. He was genuinely happy for them, just sad for himself.  
   Merlin allowed a small smile. “Lance, it's okay, you can go hang out with Gwen. We're all best friends and will have plenty of time to chat in the next couple of weeks. Go on.”  
   Blushing, but obviously pleased, Lancelot left Merlin and Arthur standing alone.  
   Merlin wondered when Gwaine had wandered off and scanned the area for him. He grinned as he noticed he was in Morgana's general vicinity. He thought they'd drive each other nuts but would be happy. It seemed everyone but him was finding love. Well, except for Arthur...  
   “We've been deserted,” Arthur mused. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and looked down at his feet. “I forgot how weird it is to come to these things without a date.”  
   Merlin shrugged. “It doesn't bother me, I always come to these things alone.” And he did. He had only went out a couple of times with Mordred but other than that, he hadn't dated since he was 16 and that ended in tears. He sometimes wondered if that made him strange, but ultimately decided that he was just waiting for the right one. _Yes, the right one. He's standing right in front of me._  
   Arthur tilted his head to the side slightly. “Yes, I suppose you do. I don't know why, you've got men and women alike fawning over you. You and your... cheek bones.”  
Merlin snorted. Always the cheek bones.  
   “I'll let you know when my cheek bones get me a decent date.”  
   There was a clinging sound coming from the middle of the large dining room. Morgana put her glass down and smiled. “Thanks for coming everyone. Dinner is finally ready. Everyone please take a seat and dig in!”

...0...0...0...  
  
   All but a small group had left after a few (for some, many more for others) drinks and dinner. All that remained were Avalon, Morgana, Gwen, Mithian, Gilly, and Leon. Everyone was now sitting on the floor in a circle.  
   Merlin had taken his suit coat off and unbuttoned the lower button on his waist coat. He was flushed from the generous amount of alcohol he had consumed and was quite drunk. Nothing was spinning yet, he noted and was grateful for that much at least.  
   “I think we should play a game!” Morgana announced. “Since it's my party, I will pick.”  
   “Three... two...” Gwen began.  
   “Truth or dare!”  
   Arthur scoffed. “Morgana, we aren't in high school.”  
   If looks could kill, Morgana would have set him on fire. “This is my party, you can at least humour me.” No one said anything. She cleared her throat and smiled again. “I'll go first.” She turned to Arthur. “Truth or dare, brother dearest?”  
   “Truth of course.” He rolled his eyes.  
   She pouted. “You're no fun. I had this great dare in mind...” Morgana sighed. “Okay, so are you romantically interested in anyone right now?”  
   “Yes.”  
   “Well who is it?”  
   “You didn't ask that, you don't get a second question!” He grinned.  
   “Damn it. Okay, your turn.”  
   “Gwaine, truth or dare?”  
   “Dare!” he replied daringly.  
 _Oh this will be good_ , Merlin thought as he finished off his latest drink. Woah, things were starting to spin now.  
   Arthur grinned mischievously. “Use your shirt as a cape and stage an air sword fight with someone.”  
   “Arthur, darling, if you wanted me to be topless, all you had to do was ask.” He winked, taking his shirt off and tied it loosely around his cape. “Knave!” he exclaimed looking at Leon and reaching his clenched first toward him.  
   Leon shook his head. “Lucky me.”  
   The sword fight ended in Gwaine “losing” and a dramatic death scene.  
   Gwaine got some applause before he turned to Merlin: “Truth or dare?” he asked as he sat up from his apparent death.  
   Shit, shit, shit.  
   “Uh... truth.” What was the worst that Gwaine could – oh no. He had made a terrible mistake. Swaying side to side, he tried to recant the truth option.  
   “Nuh uh, you picked truth! So, Merlin, tell us, when was the last time you got laid?”  
   Giggles swept the circle.  
   Merlin groaned. He knew this had been a bad idea. Unfortunately, alcohol had stepped in and he had acted impulsively. At least he wasn't dancing on tables. This time. He took a moment and thought it over. When was the last time he had... had relations?  
   “Three years ago,” he finally answered quietly. The last time had just been a hook up and he decided hook ups weren't for him. He just couldn't get into sex unless there were feelings behind the action. Consequently, he hadn't really dated anyone for about five years after his first real boyfriend broke his heart – but that was another story entirely.  
   The room got very quiet.  
   Morgana broke the silence. “Three years, Merlin?”  
   He nodded, the room still bouncing after his head had stopped. “I... can't hook up with people... I have to love them.” Oh no, he couldn't stop himself. The alcohol fuelled him further on. “I see everyone so happy with each other and I don't think I'm gonna find it.”  
   Morgana frowned. “Of course you are, Merlin.” She sighed. “I think we had better stop, this was supposed to be fun.” She moved over to Merlin and wrapped an arm around him as others stood up and awkwardly gave the two of them some space.  
   “Morgana,” he whispered, “I think I'm in love with Arthur.” He let out some faux-laughter then burst into tears. “I can't think of anyone else.”  
Morgana gave him a tender smile. “I know you do. He'll see it.”  
   “But what if he doesn't?!” he wailed. He really wanted to go back to bottling his feelings, but encouraged by how much better he was feeling getting it off his chest, he continued. “I'm going to be alone forever!”  
   He was aware that the very people who had moved away to give them privacy could now hear him wail about his unrequited love, although he was fairly certain they didn't know who he was talking about. Screw it, he was lonely, he didn't care who knew any more.  
   “Why do I bother doing any of this?!” He tore his waist coat off and unbuttoned his cuff links, and rolled his sleeves up. “No one give a flying fuck what I look like, why should I?”  
   He was having another break down. Drinking had been a mistake. He woozily got up to his feet and swayed. He felt as if he were going be sick, but forced himself to stumble out of the house into the crisp air. That should have been enough to get him to snap out of it but all he could focus on was just how lonely he was and how suddenly that it had hit him.  
   He was in no condition to drive, but he also didn't want to stay so he started to stumble home. _Screw parties, why do I bother trying to pretend I can be social?_  
   An arm whirled him around and he was face to face with a very sober Arthur. Concern was painted on his face. “Merlin, are you okay?”  
   Before Merlin could even think about his response, his mouth betrayed him, slurring out, “Do I bloody look okay? I'm so drunk I can't see straight, I'm lonely, and genuinely hate social affairs, I don't know why I bother.”  
   Arthur's hand tightened on Merlin's arm. He sighed. “Let me drive you home at least. I'm not going to lie and tell you everything's okay; it's okay to feel the way you do. But I would really hate for anything to happen to you on your way home. Please let me?”  
   Merlin grew flustered. He was being so nice to him even though he had just stormed out. After he had yelled at no one in particular. Why was Arthur so kind to him? He certainly didn't deserve it. Merlin desperately wanted him to take him home and hold him, but he knew better and knew that would not happen. So he did the next best thing.  
   “Please.”  
  
...0...0...0...

   Merlin was guided to his bed by Arthur and managed to fall onto it as Arthur went to turn the light on. He was absolutely exhausted. And uncomfortable he realized as his tucked in shirt scratched at him uncomfortably.  
   He groaned and tried to stand but was met with Arthur's hand gently keeping him on the bed. “I'll get you some pyjamas. Or at least things that can pass as such.” Merlin watched as Arthur expertly navigated his dresser drawers. Had he done this before? Probably during those messy months Merlin had.  
   Merlin paled. If he had done this before, he had certainly seen him undressed or at least in his under garments. Why had Arthur never mentioned it?  
   “Come on. Let me help.”  
    Arthur helped him out of suit, muttering about how he just had to dress up and Merlin could have sworn he heard something to the effect of it was easier when he just wore a t-shirt and pants.  
   Merlin smiled as he settled into his bed. He could have sworn Arthur was looking at him affectionately but realistically what did Merlin know about it? “Thanks, Arthur. For everything.  Always looking out for me,” was what Merlin meant to say but it came out as, “Thanks Arrrtur. For evr'thin'. Alw'ys lookin' out fer me...”  
   Arthur smiled at him. “Yeah, yeah, well you know me. Your knight in shining armour and all. Get some sleep.” Merlin looked towards the night stand and noticed a water bottle. When had Arthur fetched that? He really did think of everything.  
   Merlin watched as Arthur left, wishing he had asked Arthur to stay. He slipped into a deep sleep, dreaming of knight in shining armour. 


End file.
